Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

I’ve been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

It’s just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I’m sure I will, but I’m just trying to postpone it.

It’s brutal. I see friends when their shows don’t work. Everything’s riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

I’m scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there’s a million pitches.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I’m more private, and more inside.

It’s good to do stand-up. It kind of wakes you up and makes you feel like you’re doing something. You got the crowd right there. That’s all fun.

Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I’m on 8.

Horrible date all through high school and college. Here’s an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!